Question: What was so good about he
neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.
Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he
received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!
I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the
mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with
friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their
houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General
Electric.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on
the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the
chimney before Santa Claus does.
Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in
Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a
midnight clear."
Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph
leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if
the Republicans asked for equal time?
Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids
dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem.
On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/
cellular phone, calling for reservations.
Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did
not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
I know. I know. I know that people say "It's the thought that counts, not
the gift", but couldn't people think a little biger!
Santa Claus is a Jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able
to say "Ho! Ho! Ho!
Father to three-year old: "No a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna.
Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a Clearance Sale.
Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards,
it's on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also.
Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a
Neurotic Doll. It's wound up already.
WEB ADDICTION HOLIDAY SING ALONG!
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!
Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!
Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)
T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS - OLD SANTA WAS PISSED
T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those a**holes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little sh*ts
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year... now you know the reason
I found me a blonde... I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
TOP TEN SANTA'S PICK-UP LINES
10. "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly."
9. "I put the 'scroo' in 'scrooge'!"
8. "I've got something you can hang a wreath on."
7. "One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer."
6. "Buy you a Zima?"
5. "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you."
4. "Uh-yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers."
3. "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Baby!"
2. "Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!"
1. "I've got an elf in my pants!"
THE REAL 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14, 1994
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a
partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift.
I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 15, 1994
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful
gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 16, 1994
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must
protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens.
They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too
kind.
Love,
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 17, 1994
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough.
You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 18, 1994
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings;
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on
my nerves.
All my love,
Anges
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 19, 1994
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying
on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The
neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the
racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 20, 1994
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming.
What kind of God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all
over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't
sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So
stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 21, 1994
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds
and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned
cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my
own house. Just lay off me, smart ass.
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 22, 1994
Hey! Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped
chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 23, 1994
You Rotten Prick,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night
long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building
shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1994
Listen! Fuckhead,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies.
Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran
through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the
cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled
to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten,
vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
-----------------
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1994
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was
total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If
you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on
sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you
arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
WHAT TO GIVE AN OPTIMIST AND PESSIMIST
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks.
If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said
the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up.
Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom
pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded
the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room
he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting
amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these
instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need
batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist
twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in
the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here
somewhere!"
I WAS MUSING ON SIMILARITIES BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS AND SYSTEM
ADMINISTRATORS. CONSIDER:
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted
are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves
make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work
themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
MICROSOFT AQUIRES CHRISTMAS
by Robert Reiser
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus
Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite
from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the
deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and
other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to
millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1998,
Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This
unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently aquired MS Court.
Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and
vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to
all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due
before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been
working on a more effecient delivery mechanism for all of our products for
some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits.
We'll use it first for the release of Windows97 and Office 97."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seamingly endless
video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and
red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 97 trademark, leading
into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step
is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization. This will take
some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big
plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 97. It will be bigger and
better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows97 users who
sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[97] as early as
November first."
Christmas 97 is scheduled for release in December of 1997, though one
unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and
may slip into the first half of 1998. An economist at Goldman Sachs
explained that a slip would be catostrophic to next year's economy and the
nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for
filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was.
"But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft
controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much
slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the
year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that
"Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all
holidays are availble for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good
long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not
be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC
approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a
man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the
Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year
'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is
looking to retire in Redmond.
What do you call people who are afraid
of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.
What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting
clothes for Christmas.
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS! (POLITICALLY CORRECT!) 'Twas the
night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E. P. A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Secondhand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in overdue compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football, someone could get hurt
Besides, playing sports exposes kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe
And Nintendo would rot your poor brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue.
Everyone, everywhere-even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth.
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some pussy, fuck reading that book.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Whoa Sh*thead, whoa A$$hole, hey Dickface, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts."
"Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and puked on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard something splatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I put on my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all covered with dip spit galore,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.
"I'm all fuckin' shit-canned ," he said with a smile,
"And Rudolf had gas the last half-a mile."
He walked to the kitchen, for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, as my wife turned around.
Santa was hung half way to the ground.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a manual on how to pop zits.
A dime bag of reefer was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A boarding school pisser, a penis extension,
And several other things that I can't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a bong that was wrapped with aluminium foil.
"This stuff's not for kids, Mrs. Santa will sh*t,
So I'll leave it all here, and then I'll just split."
He filled both our stockings, looked at my wife's cleave.
And tucked my son's crack pipe up under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Made it out of the chimney, on my roof smacked his head.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolph, the night's been a b@tch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about college is the beer won't run out!"
Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat
- let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
"Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefull went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
SANTA'S A SHE!
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized,warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised
to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on
the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
still in the bag. Or a socket set from Sears.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already
be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest
as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability
to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...
-- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
-- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
-- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the
prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this
shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a
creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. They'd been worn all
week and needed the air.
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going
right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies; the elves were complaining
about not being paid overtime for making the toys; the reindeer had been
drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk, they had taken the sleigh
for a spin earlier and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours, all my reindeer are
drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I
sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree, and he isn't
back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from
the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He said, "Yo, fat man! Where
do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to
pass...
The Night Santa Went Crazy.
By "Weird Al" Yankovic
Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all- now you're all gonna DIE!"
The night Santa when crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been getting' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts
There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News and helicopters circlin' 'round
in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin' and everyone's dyin'
to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy
Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night
With er lawyer negotiating the movie rights
They're talking' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of getting' gypped
Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something must have snapped... in his brain
HOLIDAY DIET TIPS
1 - If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2 - If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other
out.
3 - When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat
the same amount.
4 - Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes
any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole),
and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.
5 - Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they
are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's
personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior
Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6 - Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage
causes calorie leakage.
7 - If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
8 - If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get
walked off.
9 - Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
10 - STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
|
|